Goodbye To You
by One Fine Wire
Summary: "You were the one I loved, the one thing that I tried to hold on to."


**Goodbye To You**

_Goodbye to you_

_Goodbye to everything I thought I knew_

_You were the one I loved_

_The one thing that I tried to hold on to_

_And when the stars fall_

_I will lie awake_

_You're my shooting star_

~Michelle Branch, "Goodbye To You"~

* * *

Pam watches as Jim dances with his new bride. Her name is Karen, and she's beautiful. Stunning. She looks like a goddess in her white wedding dress, which accentuates her figure nicely and contrasts gracefully against her dark skin. She's a natural beauty, glowing with happiness after marrying the love of her life, but her expertly applied make-up and thick, flowing brown hair emphasize it even more. This makes Pam feel extremely plain in her brown dress, wearing minimal make-up, and her hair pulled back in its half-up, half-down style as usual.

She watches as Jim's hands, which were once on Karen's waist, slide down and rest on her behind. He kisses his new wife on the forehead and whispers something into her ear. She smiles, and laughs gently, and then kisses him on the lips. They twirl to the music without a care in the world.

She'd give anything for the same, intense love and intimacy that Jim and Karen now share. Pam would give anything to have that bond with her husband.

Roy.

Roy, who came to the wedding completely underdressed, who was getting drunk at the bar, always absent on weekends and even on her birthday, on those days that meant the most, instead opting to watch football or some other sports game with Darryl and the guys. He'd come home only to yell at her and belittle her condescendingly. Their courtship had been something wonderful at the beginning, but now Pam feels that her husband doesn't understand her – doesn't understand her wants, her needs, her ambitions. He doesn't get her.

Her husband doesn't understand her. Jim did, though.

But she threw away that opportunity, and now there's no way of getting it back.

Pam hates admitting it, but Jim and Karen will be successful. At the reception, she overhears people talking about what the happy couple has planned for their future. They'll live in the Big Apple, where Karen, as the new vice president of the North East Region, will continue working at Dunder-Mifflin, rising up in the ranks, becoming the successful businesswoman she aspires to be. Meanwhile, Jim will go back to school for a year, receive his degree in Journalism and become a sports writer.

Pam smiles at Jim, even though he doesn't see it. She always felt that he deserved better than to spend his entire life selling paper. At least he'll get out of Dunder-Mifflin, out of a job that he hates, and do bigger and better things.

She overhears the Halpert's and the Fillipelli's, both sets of parents, chatting about Jim and Karen's plans to start a family. She hears Phyllis and Kelly, over cake, saying that the two of them will have gorgeous children. The very thought makes Pam feel ill.

Pam wipes the tears from her eyes at the thought of Jim and Karen living successful lives. There's jealousy because Pam doesn't have a future, or a chance to leave Dunder-Mifflin and all the memories it holds, behind. She wants kids, but Roy doesn't. She wants more out of her life than what Dunder-Mifflin has to offer, but Roy is perfectly content. She wants to move on, like Jim is… like he already did when he married Karen and pledged his love to her.

She cries because Jim has moved on.

Pam wants a house with a terrace where she can plant flowers. She wants a loving husband. She wants Jim. She wants Jim to come home from work everyday and carry her away to someplace wonderful, caressing her with kisses while he does so. She wants children. She wants to return to school and become an artist, or pursue another field that she'd enjoy just as much, if not more, than drawing.

But those are just dreams. Pam only has dreams while Jim and Karen have an entire lifetime ahead of them.

A lifetime, a future that could've been hers if she hadn't turned down Jim on Casino Night.

The happy couple continues dancing. Karen's face is lit up, but Jim's isn't. Not really. Just for a moment, a slight look of doubt crosses his face. But then he takes one look at his bride, and the doubt melts away, revealing a smile both on his lips and in his eyes.

Pam wants Jim to doubt, but she knows he never will.

She gets up from her seat and walks to the bar, telling a drunk Roy that she'll get a ride home with Angela, who's leaving the reception early. Roy mumbles a slurred reply that Pam has trouble understanding, and leaves.

The ride back takes an eternity. When Pam finally arrives at her apartment, she thanks Angela for the ride, unlocks the front door, and enters.

The apartment is desolate, only with the basic furnishings. There aren't any pictures on the wall or on the entertainment center. There aren't any books on the coffee table, no wall decorations, nothing that makes the apartment look as though it belongs to a married couple who dated for eight years and have been married for nearly a year and a half. Instead, the apartment looks as though it was abandoned long ago, with all the pizza boxes sloppily stacked on top of the other, the crushed beer cans littering the floor, the stench of rotten garbage needing to be thrown out. Pam sits on the couch, exhausted, and cries.

She picks up the phone and dials a number from the Dunder-Mifflin company directory. She memorized it long ago, but hasn't been brave enough to call it until now. Even though he'll be on his honeymoon and won't check it for at least a week, she still calls it. When he returns, it'll only be to pack up his belongings and leave Dunder-Mifflin behind forever. He might not even bother to pick up the phone for the final time.

That doesn't stop Pam from calling it, from smiling happily at the sound of his voice asking the caller to leave a message.

At the signal, Pam breathes nervously before speaking.

"Jim, it's me, Pam. Congratulations on your wedding to Karen. She's a lucky girl." She stops before speaking again. "I just wanted to call and tell you good luck in all your future endeavors… and… _goodbye_."

Pam hangs up the phone, filled with regret, with tears coursing down her cheeks, knowing that she can never go back, knowing that she'll always wonder, _"What if?"_

* * *

**Disclaimer: **I do not own the song "Goodbye To You" written and performed by Michelle Branch. No copyright infringement is intended or inferred.


End file.
